Little John's Guide to Modern UX Jargon

Are you having trouble navigating recent release announcements? Are you confused by the latest buzzwords? Do you find it a little unsettling that people are using words like "beautiful" to describe software, and wondering what it is that they truly mean?

I was, too! This is why I have decide to put together this handy guide which should hopefully save you a few minutes of confusion.

What it says: What it means:
Lightweight Is about as capable as Notepad
Clean (Of interfaces) has a toolbar of no more than six icons, all of which look the same.
Beautiful Lightweight, with a clean interface
Professional Somehow manages to look both boring *and* cartoon-like
Customizable Lets you pick from eight accent colors
Highly customizable Lets you pick any accent color you want, using a palette dialog that allows you to input RGB, HSV, CMYK and human-readable color values, but lacks a color picker.
Easy on the eyes Low contrast ratio. Good luck reading it if you're over thirty.
Modern Clean interface with huge, touch-sized widgets that nobody will ever touch.
Smooth You can't turn off animations. Puke bag not included.
Native-looking 1. (Of interfaces) has a default theme that looks like your host platform's interface two major releases ago, except it has the wrong fonts, icons, and widget sizes. Guess what happens if you drag-and-drop something to it! 2. This is actually Chrome with twenty megabytes' worth of JavaScript that breaks if you're offline.
Offline-first Most of what you do will eventually sync once you're offline again if you ignore the crashes. Also our privacy policy is 20% longer than our EULA.
Engaging Four of our data processing partners may or may not be affiliated with the People's Liberation Army
Cloud-based Our service is so engaging that we can afford a very comprehensive free tier in our subscription model.
Usability testing We asked five interns and Jenny from HR how easy they find it to click these two buttons for no reason.
Metric-driven design ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TRYING TO ARGUE AGAINST SCIENCE?????
Privacy-focused 1. (Of commercial software) we don't sell your data to advertisers, we just show you the ads ourselves. 2. (Of non-commercial software) Good luck setting this up. lol what manual. Lead developer may be on the FBI's watchlist.
Usability-focused Modern, smooth, lightweight application. We got bored halfway through the MVP and we decided to call it 1.0.
Opinionated Half the issues you open won't be fixed because it would go against our vision, the other half won't be fixed because they're not bugs, they're features, and there's nothing to fix.

Glady I could be of assistance, mate!

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